We all have our "fatal flaws." Mine are impatience and anger. Unfortunately, yesterday, they reared their ugly head yet again. I have really been working on being patient with my little kids, trying not to get annoyed when they ask the same question for the umpteenth time, in a span of five minutes. Or when I tell them, for the umpteenth time, to do or not do something, in a span of five minutes. And most of the time, I succeed. I can usually suppress the part of my flesh that WANTS to get impatient and angry, and instead respond out of the Spirit.
But yesterday, I failed. Miserably. It was all going well until their naptime. I hadn't been feeling well... my throat was on fire, and I was tired. So, at naptime, I laid down with my youngest daughter in our room for a nap. I had juuuuust got my throat to stop feeling like I needed to cough all the time, and had just nodded off, when I hear, "Mommy, I need to go potty."
My first reaction was to be annoyed that I had been woken up. However, I didn't act like it bothered me, took her potty and laid us both back down, and she actually fell back asleep. But I was wide awake.
After naps were over, things just kind of devolved from there. I decided I wanted to watch a show on TV, which never happens, and was interrupted countless times. My impatience got the best of me, and I just started yelling. And that only made things worse for their behavior (and mine, if I'm being honest). By the time my husband was done working in the yard, I told him I was done... I was at my wit's end. The night ended with me practically dragging my youngest son to an early bedtime because he wasn't listening, and I was fed up.
I took a bath, which was cold, and that just amped me up even more. And then I got to thinking about how Mothers' Day was this coming weekend... and how I was a terrible mom and didn't deserve the day at all. The whole bath, I just kept replaying how awful I had been with the kids, and how I was probably going to get a card talking about how wonderful I was, and that it was basically going to be a lie... because I suck as a mom.
I got out of the bath and went and apologized to both the kids for being so hateful, and snuggled with them for a little bit. As I laid down last night, I started thinking about the fruits of the Spirit, given in Galatians 5:22-23:
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."None of my behavior in the latter part of yesterday was a fruit of the Spirit - I was the opposite of forbearing... I was impatient. I was the opposite of loving and gentle and self-controlling... I was angry and hateful.
In fact, I fit the description for the works of the flesh given in scripture in Galatians 5:19-21:
"The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like."Hatred? Discord? Jealousy? Fits of rage? Selfish ambition? Dissensions? Envy? Check. Check. Check. Check. Check.... Check.... Check. Heart check.
I was completely void of the Holy Spirit yesterday. It did not reside in my heart. I chose to instead act once in my flesh, denying the Spirit, and it snowballed into all those other awful rotten fruits of the flesh above. And the Enemy whispered in my ear, taking full advantage of that yesterday. Telling me that I don't deserve to be celebrated, because all my kids and husband are going to see is how terrible of a mom I am, and why would they want to honor THAT?? And that's so close to the truth, that I would almost believe it.
Except... my kids reminded me about forgiveness. My daughter asked me to sit with her for a few minutes, despite all the hatred I had exhibited to her not even an hour before. To her, it didn't matter. It was forgotten. She no longer remembers my hatefulness, she has accepted that I am trying to move in the right direction, and sees me for my potential. Man, how powerful is that?
"For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more."
Hebrews 8:12
"As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us."This walk isn't about doing everything perfectly. It's about TRYING. It's about realizing when we're not walking in Spirit AND Truth, and repenting. Our Father is merciful and gracious, abounding in compassion and lovingkindness. He removes our transgressions from us. He sees us for our potential. We just need to believe it, and walk in that direction. <3
Psalm 103:12
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